Recovery

"homesick for a place that doesnt exist"

Sat, 01 Jan 2005 06:34:33 GMT

I cant count how many times i've felt that way. and
what is the cure for it? what is the resolution? is
there one? or are we just destined to wonder in our
lives searching for something we cant find until we
die. I watched Garden State, and the main
character's conclusion after a few days of a literal
as well as metophorical journey, is that love can
cure us of that homesickness. that we should find
that in each other. I dont know exactly how i feel
about that. the romantic in me wants to agree, the
realist says its bullshit, and "home" is within
myself.

I think its harder for some than others to find out
the truth. to find our home. When youre a parent,
or caught up in a career, anything so time consuming
and full of responisiblity, its hard to stop and
think about yourself. It gets harder and harder to
justify soul searching. Maybe its because we're
taught that we shouldnt need to. I am a mother,
therefore my happiness and home lie within my family,
within my son. Though yes, my son can fill me with
happiness on a level that no other can, being his
mother is not all i am. Its scary, When i stop to
think about it. I panic, because i dont know who
else i am besides a mother and a girlfriend. and i
cant be selfish and take off for a few days to ponder
it. wouldnt it be nice though, to go on a trip for
short time and come back with some huge self
realization? Someone write my life into a script. I
would like some questions answered.

Tue, 30 Nov 2004 06:24:40 GMT

Some people dont have a fucking clue, nor will they ever! Grow up, and follow through with something for once, dammit! I'm so out of patience.

Mon, 29 Nov 2004 23:35:48 GMT

you know what they say... when it rains....

Sun, 28 Nov 2004 06:44:00 GMT

Pessimism and doubt get the best of me.

Fri, 26 Nov 2004 00:29:54 GMT

I always suspect the worst. How does one change that?

Wed, 24 Nov 2004 21:45:14 GMT

So we had this massive storm here today. trees and shit are all thrown about. everything looked so horribly chaotic, and actually kind of pretty. Funny part was seeing a decapitated light up reindeer in someones front yard. I laughed pretty hard at that. felt pretty good. havent laughed in a while. ho-hum.

Wed, 24 Nov 2004 06:00:57 GMT

I miss my cat. I hope she's still alive and not starving to death. I wish I could've brought her with me, she was a comfort.

I've been a little better today. Mainly because I've slept through most of it. And my day isnt over yet, either. In another hour when I'm devastated that I cannot say goodnight to him there may very well be another stupid sad entry. Fuck. Get over it for fucks sake, he has.

Doing some things tomorrow that will finalize my move here. Insurance changes, etc. I've put it off for a couple days, i'm not sure why. I shouldnt have thought anything would be different in 2 days... 2 weeks... 2 months, whatever. I shouldnt have expected any sort of effort. There wont be any from him. It's so sad, the way i know this but still get hurt and let down at the end of every day. I should know better by now.

Tue, 23 Nov 2004 06:35:24 GMT

i just want it to go away. please, just make it stop. I'm so tired of crying. why the fuck isnt anyone awake when i need to talk? oh god, i just want it to stop.

Day 2

Tue, 23 Nov 2004 00:25:42 GMT

I want to say, "i dont know if i'm going to make it", but i know i can and i will. It feels like I'm not going to, but I wont die or anything. It feels like my heart has been ripped through my chest and left to rot on the floor, but it hasnt. It's almost comical how horrible i feel.

I've cried myself to sleep twice today. I want these feelings to just go away, but they're only getting worse. It's only turning to anger and hate. I know i shouldn't let that happen, but i cant stop it. It just hurts so horribly bad. To be right about everything. When its the one time you want to be proven wrong. It's so hard to think this is really it. It's really over. That you can't go back from here. It will never be the same. Wounds are too deep and hurt far too bad to be mended.

I want to quit Suicide Girls. It's so hard to see him out with others when I'm here, feeling this way and going through this alone. But is that fair to me? The only reason I've stayed on through this ordeal is to tak with people here in Atlanta. I need friends here, a support group. People to have fun with and make me remember why I'm doing this.

It's hard. I dont really want to talk to anyone. My friends are calling, worried about me. But I'm having a hard time picking up the phone. I dont really know what to say. And what can they say to make me feel better? I know they mean well, and some of them do understand what i'm going through. I just want to talk to him. I just want to hear his voice and have him tell me he loves me. But its all bullshit. He's incapable. I know he cares about the baby, i'll give him that much. But he's not caring enough to make any changes in his life. He doesnt love me that much. He says he does, but there's no proof of that. He would never try hard enough to give me that. The saddest part about it all is that he really does think he's trying. He really does think he truely is doing everything he can. Its so pathetic. Why cant he just see it?

anger

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 06:49:54 GMT

I fucking hate you. You're just like everyone else. You care for nothing except for yourself. Again I am alone and hurt and sick of it all. Where are you? Out again? Hard life you live. I bet you breathed a big sigh of relief when i left. I bet you've been just grand since. Well fuck you. You'll never know, youre not capable.